Lessons from the Monks: The Cafeteria through the Ages

Essay by Malte Welding, writer, columnist and blogger

Upon seeing the food that Roman legions were eating – black soup, if I recall correctly - Asterix, the indulgent Gaul, pointed out that an army’s moral is inversely proportional to the quality of its catering. According to ancient military research, in order to be a great warrior one had to be in a very bad mood, which was brought about by equally bad food. Have you ever been so disappointed by a meal that all you wished for was to drill a pilum into somebody’s sternum? If so, you have understood Julius Caesar’s strategy.

During their neverending coding sessions in complete voluntary isolation, the main characters in Douglas Coupland’s novel “Microserfs“ only consume food which is flat enough to be passed underneath the door. Microsoft in the Nineties must have been a kind of Pizza Hut with computers. “Tempora mutantur.” (“Times change.”) Indeed, they do. Today people in Silicon Valley are even more preoccupied with food those in Tuscany. It has to be sustainable, so organically grown and healthy, it should increase life expectancy and push the brain to maximum performance. Printable would be nice, too.

Food printers such as the BotBQ Extruder or the Octoprint magically spread the table with food in a way that would make the eponymous wishing-table from the Brothers Grimm’s novel lose a leg with envy. Facebook provides its staff with eleven different cuisines or “food philosophies”, as football coach Joachim Löw would call it. Asian, Italian, molecular, subcutaneous – the main thing is that the expensive employees are happy at all times – happy as in full up. Naturally, their food is free of charge as well as free of calories. The healthiest products on supermarket shelves are always presented at eye level. It’s basically reverse pester power.

Google keeps a close look at the balance between “what’s good for you” and “what do you like”. This is a tricky problem: my doctor, for example, recommends a very different diet than my belly. I propose a different balance: what if I donate my body to medical research? Should I succeed in turning 80 despite my anachronistic eating habits, the researchers dealing with my internal organs will be up for the Nobel Prize. (Which is hopefully chocolate filled.)

Think of another kind of balance working people have to deal with. Anyone who has ever worked in an office will be able to relate to the saying: A fat belly, a lean brain. However, an empty belly doesn’t work either. In his book “Disrupted”, Dan Lyons, one of the writers of the TV series “Silicon Valley”, gives an account of a possible solution: the online marketing company Hubspot once installed a wall of candy. Young Hubspotter’s could go there anytime to keep their blood sugar levels from plummeting. Moreover, Hubspot found another way to tackle nutritional issues: an endless supply of beer.

Well, of course! In today’s knowledge-based society, who should we turn to for enlightenment if not the monks of the Middle Ages? They were collecting the entire knowledge of their time in a state which would now be considered “unfit to drive” at the very least.

Now nobody wants to be forced to perform like the Romans were. The newest trend will be the “Home Alone”-themed party with beer, lollipops and free-to-the-door organic carrots to restore one's conscience.  The younger the desired employees, the more the focus can be pushed towards a liquid diet. The main thing is we never go back to black soup.